I am not a trained professional in Psychology or Mental health. My intention to share my story is merely to raise awareness among people and the stigma attached to it. Please consult a professional if you go through depression, anxiety, or any mental illness.
Do or Die
This time I absolutely had no idea how I was going to handle myself, when I physically felt so weak. In Jammu & Kashmir, nature had been the greatest healer for me, above all I was on my own, physically active. I had the entire day to find ways to heal myself by keeping myself busy in the activities I loved. Which really helped me a great deal to recover.
Here forget about that extra leisure time, I dint even had time to look myself in the mirror. I had a chock-a-block schedule of feeding baby, changing diapers, bathing & massaging baby, adjusting with sleeping time, etc I used to get stressed out end of the day, missing my me time.
Concurrently, during this time I had a new pattern growing in my mind. I had strangely started getting scared of any sharp objects near me or anywhere in the surrounding. Followed by intrusive thoughts like what if this hurts my baby, what if she falls on it? Slowly slowly it started growing in volcanic proportion like someone was playing a repeated tape recorder inside my mind , of all the negative thoughts of harming my adorable delicate baby & I had simply no control over it.
These painful feelings of loosing my baby , had completely occupied my whole brain that no amount of positive affirmations , motivational videos , would have played trick on it. It felt like my feelings were more attached to these evil thoughts then me. I was just a stupid helpless empty box of brain , with having no control on what was going inside my brain.
With each passing day my condition started worsening. I started getting obsessive about my daughter’s health. I was excessively getting worried for my baby as I thought I am not in a state to take care of myself, how will I take care of her.
These killer intrusive thoughts & feelings had killed me so many times inside my mind and now they were haunting me to act upon it, by constantly playing the thoughts of harming my baby with the impulsive urge to do so. It almost felt like my own mind was blackmailing me to do it.
All these feelings of aggression, harm, guilt, worry, fear were exploding in my mind to such an extent that I thought I was completely losing it. I couldn’t sleep peacefully until I had checked every few minutes, with the pattern of counting certain times ( OCD pattern) if she was breathing fine. I felt that my baby was not safe around me anymore.
I literally cried the shit out of me, feeling all broken pieces of my heart begging God, to help me out of this maddening situation. How could he allow my mind to go against me & instigate me to do evil acts of harming my own baby? I would rather kill myself I thought.
I knew I am not a person who would commit suicide otherwise, but such excruciating pain of harming my own loved one through me was simply unbearable, I started seeing myself as a danger & an incapable mother.
I can’t recollect much but I think within a few days of this hell, I had finally taken a shivering call, with forced guts to visit a psychiatric. And declared everyone at home that it’s a medical emergency & I want to visit a psychiatrist.
For me it became a life & death situation, I was ready to go to any extent as far as my baby is safe and fine even if it be away from me. Or people call me mad or anything. I just wanted my baby to be safe for my own satisfaction. Though I knew deep down I would never ever be a danger to her or to anyone. I just desperately needed professional help to get my mind in order which had gone against me, to know what exactly was wrong with me and my mental health. Why has it been provoking me to act upon such dangerous impulses and make me a prisoner in my own head?
To be frank it took this depth of seriousness when I thought my baby’s life is not safe around me, to blurt out to everyone to take me to a psychiatric.
My family members were shocked initially, they simply couldn’t digest any reason for me to be unhappy when I had given birth to such a healthy & loving baby. I remember my mother asking me to rethink again & again the consequences of it later. But I didn’t care.
I left a message to my husband that I am seeing a psychiatrist. Being aware that this decision could have many side effects on our relationship in the future.
But this time this mother simply dint care. I was ready to face any challenge to see my baby happy& safe. And ready to eliminate any danger around her, even if that danger had to be me, inside me … In my mind.
Today I can proudly say, I was right with my decision that time, I don’t know what would have happened of me if I would have never broken this deadly silence.
I deeply thank that little awareness & conscience inside me who helped me to fight for myself, when my mind was against me. For all those wailing prayers, crying my lungs out, naturally revealing the purity out of this helpless soul, further helping that supreme power, to acknowledge my deep pain & agony within & being my guiding light in disguise making me understand beyond my reckless evil mind, there lived someone called my ‘inner true being,’ which always stays pure and balanced no matter how much your body & mind gets against you. Because, that inside you matters, who is the real you…an inseparable level of strength which resides in every human being.